This past year was a huge test for me, and I will admit it - I
failed. I do not know how many people actually admit that. You
always hear about success stories, especially once a year has ended and a new
year is beginning, but never failures. It is the elephant in the room that
no one wants to admit is there. Admitting failure is never an easy thing
to do, especially for me. I think some people have this idea of me that I
am just such a strong-willed person, I could never admit to defeat. I am
not a perfect being or at least I hope I do not claim to be...I have
made many mistakes and wrong turns in my life that I am not proud of but have
all gotten me to the place I am at now. This year was one of my best and
one of the worst...how can that be true though??! Well, continue to read....
I can admit one of my problems - I want to love and please people...too
much; to the point that when I do not get the same respect in return, it
crushes my spirit. Another one of my problems - when I was let down
because said person did not end up meeting my level of love or care, it crushed
me even more. I am a giver. I give to see people happy. I
give to see people smile. I also give because I do not want people to
think badly of me. I did things to help people out because I thought I
was being understanding of their situation. I allowed people to not treat
me the way I would want to be treated because I was scared of hurting their
feelings by expressing how I felt. When I eventually did express how I
felt, it seemed to be turned against me, or a simple question of "well why
now?” I allowed people to let me down and disappoint me time after time,
because I thought I was giving second chances (when in reality it was more like
20+ chances) expecting to have different results.
What I was not doing was accepting two things...two VERY important things. I know God kept telling me that I needed to realize these two things but I refused to listen:
1) People are who they are.
2) You cannot change them.
I struggled with this with my mother, Carlos' mother, my sisters, my
brother, Carlos' sister, old friends...I think maybe God was trying to tell me
something. (LOL) No, but it was hard to listen because of my
impending wedding and I just wanted everyone to be happy! I eventually
had to pause and ask myself a question though, "But wait...what about MY
happiness?” Unfortunately, I asked it way too late and I let it get the
best of me on the day of my wedding. Conflicts
with family and wanting the support of family and friends was number one, when
in reality, it was not number one...and it could never even be number two if
people are not capable of giving that. Do not get me wrong, the wedding
was beautiful. I married the love of my life. We stood before God
and gave our vows as husband and wife. He looked so handsome and I
cleaned up nicely myself. The ceremony was perfect from beginning to end
and THAT is all that matters. THAT was number one. Not the flowers,
not the table chart, not the direction of the linens, not the disappointment of
family on both sides. It was my biggest joy (and highlight of my year -
told you this was my best year to date) to walk down that aisle to see who was
at the end waiting for me. And while we had our first dance, I whispered
to Carlos - "THIS is what I want to remember. The moments where it
is just the two of us and nothing else matters.” I really did marry an
amazing man who has been nothing but supportive and has stood by my side no
matter how crazy I can get.
I have dealt with quite a lot in my lifetime already, and I can finally
admit that I am done with all the pain and hurt I have allowed to rule the past
26 years of my life because I thought I could help people or change them.
I am a broken person and I can joyfully admit that. People are who they
are and you cannot change them. Only God can change them and they
must be open to Him doing so in their life. Sometimes what you think is
not good enough in return, is all that person is capable of giving or
feeling because God still has work to do in their life and it is
a longer journey for them to get to maybe even close to where you are. I
am still learning and trying to accept that I cannot help people if they do not
want my help. I remember
the analogy my youth pastor used to give with two people and a chair.
Imagine you are standing on a chair, while the other person is standing on the
floor below you. It is hard and takes some strength to pull that person
up, but it is so easy and almost effortless for them to pull you down.
You are both on different paths in your life and are not on the same level so
how can you expect the same results? I have been allowing people to pull
me down, expecting them to pull me up when they are not capable of doing
that.
Maybe they do not know any better - maybe what they are giving is the
best they can do. The hard part is asking yourself "How do I
continue to love that person but not get hurt by their words/actions or lack
of?” All I can say for now is to let it go...let them go. It is
hard to let someone go, especially when you love them so much. You do not
want to see them fall, you do not want to see them hurt, but you also cannot
allow putting their happiness first before your own healthiness.
I need to also accept some truth: If people want you in their life, they
make time for you in their life. Sadly, this goes for both family and
friends. We sadly live in such a technology-crazed world, that it is
almost shocking if someone is not attached to their mobile device. People
will reach out to you if they want to whether it is in the form of a phone
call, text, email, or FB message. I am learning that I cannot be the only
one trying to grow ANY relationship in my life - it has to be a two-way street
that both parties agree to. Instead of focusing so much on the people not
putting in the same effort, I need to put that effort into the people who want
to be involved in my life.
I am trying to work on forgiving the people who have caused me pain,
anger, and sadness. It is not an easy task - but I cannot hold onto
those feeling and allow it to define me as a person. It has been eating
away at my heart and making me into a very bitter and unhappy person. Not
all the time, but some of the time...and if I allow it to continue and do not
let go of it, I am afraid of what I will eventually become.
I realize I have to put up boundaries. I MUST put up
boundaries. Not because I do not love them...I do love them. In
fact, more than they probably realize. However, I love me more (so
cliché.) I have tried so many different ways to avoid boundaries because
I thought it would not be best for me since it would not be best for some of
the people in my life. I know that I have to put distance between them
and myself. I have to trust in God that all I can do is pray for
them. Pray that God would be the one to open their eyes, their minds, and
their hearts and allow Him to start working in their lives as well as my
own. I am going to start reading a book that I know God wants me to read
right now because it has come up in conversations with family and complete
strangers. It is called " Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No
to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud. I am excited and I hope
to share some of my journey on here as I read it with whoever is reading this.
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