I know I mentioned my wedding briefly in my last post...I am indeed newly married.  My husband and I dated for 8 years until we decided to make the big commitment of marriage to one another.  It did not take us so long because we were hesitant. We knew we wanted to get married.  We also knew we needed God to grow us from the inside until we were ready to grow together. Let me tell you - there is not a better feeling in the world like when you get to marry your best friend and love of your life. 

So a little of our story - We met in the summer of 2005 after I graduated high school - Carlos played in a local Houston ska band and knew my brother from playing at the same shows.  I was in a very lost state like most at that age - I just graduated high school, ended a high school relationship, and enrolled for college at UTSA for fall.  I was NOT trying to make anything permanent.  I was just in Houston for the summer visiting and the plan was to go back to SA in August.  That was the plan.

Carlos contacted me first via MySpace (remember 2005 - Facebook was only for college students - shocking I know!).  I had been helping his band book a show in SA and that is how he found me.  It actually took me 2 weeks to respond back.  He, of course, responded back the same day, and it took me ANOTHER 2 weeks to respond to his second attempt.  I probably crushed all hope he had inside.  Anyways, after about 2 months of corresponding, we finally went on our first date. 

It was horrible. 

Were you expecting something different? 

He showed up to pick me up - He argues to this day that before I ever said "Hi" when opening the door, my first words to him were "Oh, you look nothing like your MySpace picture.”  There is probably some truth to that.  What he did not let me explain was that what I did see, I liked.  It was better than any picture.  

We went to dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant Mai's, where he hardly talked to me and then to a local show at Fitz'.  At some point throughout the night, we ran into two of my brother’s best friend – (coincidence or not?!).  While I was in the bathroom, they proceeded to tell Carlos not to date me because I was crazy – okay so that is only partially true, but he has learned to accept it.  Then, some girl who Carlos was friends with, interrupted our date and whisked Carlos away to watch some band play upstairs.  I was not going to chase after him.  I thought he had abandoned me, but he showed up not even 5 minutes later apologizing profusely.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt and accepted his apology.  

We ended our night with me introducing him to a Wendy’s frosty and French fries concoction.  He dropped me off at a reasonable time and he did not try to kiss me.  (I was horrified at first but realized it was worth it to wait in the end.)  He called me as soon as he left, and we talked on the phone ‘till about 5 am.  Okay, so maybe our first date was not so horrible after all...

Flash forward 3 months later – I am still living in Houston.  I did not attend UTSA like planned. Rita hits Texas and Carlos went to Mexico for about 2 weeks like majority of Houstonians.  Carlos asked me to be his girlfriend when he came back – time away makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Flash forward to today – I am still living in Houston.  I am attending the University of Houston.  I am married.  That is exactly where I should be.  Plans change.  My plan changed – the past 8 years were nothing I could have predicted or planned. As much as I plan the next 8 years of my life, maybe half of it will not happen.  That is okay.  However, no matter how much my plans changed and continue to change, my goals have always remained the same.  I am exactly where I want to be even if it went a little off the path or it took a little longer.  I plan to graduate college, start a family, buy a house, and take as many trips as I can with my husband, just to name a few. In what order and how long it will take,  I do not know - and that is okay!

I did not want someone just to love me – God had a better plan for me - I have unconditional love.  We have our share of ups and downs.  Life is not always roses and sweet gestures, but I am lucky to have someone by my side willing to adapt with me as we figure it out together.  I have someone who is willing to put up with the good and the bad. We laugh together (A LOT!) and we cry together - I love that my husband is not afraid to show any of his feelings.  It shows that he is human.  We finish each other’s sentences and we read each other's mind...that is actually more scary than normal at times.  We share each other’s passions and dreams, and we lift one another to reach them.  We want to become the best we can together and want to love as much as we can.  I know he will continue to bless those around him as he has blessed my life. I am lucky to have a man who has such a strong faith in God and is passionate about living up to that faith. 

So I leave you with this, whether you are have been married for years, recent newlyweds, engaged or not even thinking about marriage.  May this serve as a reminder or as a manifesto for the future. 

Growing Pains and Learning Boundaries....

This past year was a huge test for me, and I will admit it - I failed.  I do not know how many people actually admit that.  You always hear about success stories, especially once a year has ended and a new year is beginning, but never failures.  It is the elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is there.  Admitting failure is never an easy thing to do, especially for me.  I think some people have this idea of me that I am just such a strong-willed person, I could never admit to defeat.  I am not a perfect being or at least I hope I do not claim to be...I have made many mistakes and wrong turns in my life that I am not proud of but have all gotten me to the place I am at now.  This year was one of my best and one of the worst...how can that be true though??! Well, continue to read....

I can admit one of my problems - I want to love and please people...too much; to the point that when I do not get the same respect in return, it crushes my spirit.  Another one of my problems - when I was let down because said person did not end up meeting my level of love or care, it crushed me even more.  I am a giver.  I give to see people happy.  I give to see people smile.  I also give because I do not want people to think badly of me.  I did things to help people out because I thought I was being understanding of their situation.  I allowed people to not treat me the way I would want to be treated because I was scared of hurting their feelings by expressing how I felt.  When I eventually did express how I felt, it seemed to be turned against me, or a simple question of "well why now?”  I allowed people to let me down and disappoint me time after time, because I thought I was giving second chances (when in reality it was more like 20+ chances) expecting to have different results. 

What I was not doing was accepting two things...two VERY important things.  I know God kept telling me that I needed to realize these two things but I refused to listen: 
1) People are who they are. 

2) You cannot change them. 

I struggled with this with my mother, Carlos' mother, my sisters, my brother, Carlos' sister, old friends...I think maybe God was trying to tell me something.  (LOL)  No, but it was hard to listen because of my impending wedding and I just wanted everyone to be happy!  I eventually had to pause and ask myself a question though, "But wait...what about MY happiness?”  Unfortunately, I asked it way too late and I let it get the best of me on the day of my wedding.  Conflicts with family and wanting the support of family and friends was number one, when in reality, it was not number one...and it could never even be number two if people are not capable of giving that.  Do not get me wrong, the wedding was beautiful.  I married the love of my life.  We stood before God and gave our vows as husband and wife.  He looked so handsome and I cleaned up nicely myself.  The ceremony was perfect from beginning to end and THAT is all that matters.  THAT was number one.  Not the flowers, not the table chart, not the direction of the linens, not the disappointment of family on both sides.  It was my biggest joy (and highlight of my year - told you this was my best year to date) to walk down that aisle to see who was at the end waiting for me.  And while we had our first dance, I whispered to Carlos - "THIS is what I want to remember.  The moments where it is just the two of us and nothing else matters.”  I really did marry an amazing man who has been nothing but supportive and has stood by my side no matter how crazy I can get.

I have dealt with quite a lot in my lifetime already, and I can finally admit that I am done with all the pain and hurt I have allowed to rule the past 26 years of my life because I thought I could help people or change them.  I am a broken person and I can joyfully admit that.  People are who they are and you cannot change them.  Only God can change them and they must be open to Him doing so in their life.  Sometimes what you think is not good enough in return, is all that person is capable of giving or feeling because God still has work to do in their life and it is a longer journey for them to get to maybe even close to where you are.  I am still learning and trying to accept that I cannot help people if they do not want my help.  I remember the analogy my youth pastor used to give with two people and a chair.  Imagine you are standing on a chair, while the other person is standing on the floor below you.  It is hard and takes some strength to pull that person up, but it is so easy and almost effortless for them to pull you down.  You are both on different paths in your life and are not on the same level so how can you expect the same results?  I have been allowing people to pull me down, expecting them to pull me up when they are not capable of doing that.  

Maybe they do not know any better - maybe what they are giving is the best they can do.  The hard part is asking yourself "How do I continue to love that person but not get hurt by their words/actions or lack of?”  All I can say for now is to let it go...let them go.  It is hard to let someone go, especially when you love them so much.  You do not want to see them fall, you do not want to see them hurt, but you also cannot allow putting their happiness first before your own healthiness. 

I need to also accept some truth: If people want you in their life, they make time for you in their life.  Sadly, this goes for both family and friends.  We sadly live in such a technology-crazed world, that it is almost shocking if someone is not attached to their mobile device.  People will reach out to you if they want to whether it is in the form of a phone call, text, email, or FB message.  I am learning that I cannot be the only one trying to grow ANY relationship in my life - it has to be a two-way street that both parties agree to.  Instead of focusing so much on the people not putting in the same effort, I need to put that effort into the people who want to be involved in my life.  

I am trying to work on forgiving the people who have caused me pain, anger, and sadness.  It is not an easy task - but I cannot hold onto those feeling and allow it to define me as a person.  It has been eating away at my heart and making me into a very bitter and unhappy person.  Not all the time, but some of the time...and if I allow it to continue and do not let go of it, I am afraid of what I will eventually become.

I realize I have to put up boundaries.  I MUST put up boundaries.  Not because I do not love them...I do love them.  In fact, more than they probably realize.  However, I love me more (so cliché.)  I have tried so many different ways to avoid boundaries because I thought it would not be best for me since it would not be best for some of the people in my life.  I know that I have to put distance between them and myself.  I have to trust in God that all I can do is pray for them.  Pray that God would be the one to open their eyes, their minds, and their hearts and allow Him to start working in their lives as well as my own.  I am going to start reading a book that I know God wants me to read right now because it has come up in conversations with family and complete strangers.  It is called " Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud.  I am excited and I hope to share some of my journey on here as I read it with whoever is reading this.