How true that headliner is....and how often we can forget it.  We remember God’s promise is true when things are going great in our life.  We praise God for his multitude of blessings and paths he is opens up for us that we perceive as amazing opportunities, whether it has to do with personal relationships, work, finances, etc.  Our human nature is to respond with thanks and love in times of praise when we receive so many gifts.  I certainly cannot deny this, seeing how my own personal love language is giving and receiving gifts. 

But what about when things are not going according to "plan"...not God's plan, but OUR plan.  So many times, I leave God out of my plan, forgetting that it is His desire to have a deep and intimate relationship with me.  I believe I know what is best for myself (and others - guilty!!!) - I have certain goals and values, and I want to lead my life a certain way, not according to God's standards, but to my own standards and the world's standards.  When I do this, I WILLINGLY walk away from God.  If I choose to walk away from Christ, the further I put distance between myself and Him, the harder it becomes for me to hear His voice.  Example: Two people meet in the middle of the road and start talking about a problem concerning one of them. Person A chooses to stay in the place they met, continuing to talk but Person B starts to walk away in the opposite direction, refusing to listen. With each step Person B takes, the harder it is them to hear what Person A is trying to say. 

We walk away from people and God simply because:

1.      We are in denial of reality

2.      We ignore or try to fix our problems ourselves

3.      We act and react in the way we think is justifiable - this is where pride, anger, resentment, and pain start to grow and lay their roots in our hearts and minds

The moment the uninvited problems show up and stay unresolved, doors to hurt, pain, and suffering appear.  I find myself so quickly to blame God for bringing the destruction in my life, and refuse to listen to His voice.  If I don't start to retreat back to God, how can I expect to hear His voice?  How can I be open to give and receive love for myself and for others, if I don't accept truth?  You cannot be loving without being truthful, nor can you be truthful without loving.

I've come to realize this past week how imperfect I truly am.  I do not always say the right things, show the right emotions, listen just as I would like to be listened to, or love the way I know I should.  That is because I am capable of holding onto just as much pride as the next person.  When I hold onto that pride, I willingly choose how I act and react, and whether it is intentional or unintentional, and I am 100% capable of hurting people because of my pride.  Even with pride, when someone continues to attack you and goes around to others attacking you and lying about you, I have learned that rather than simply attack back, I can put my pride aside and I do not have to do a thing.  

Hurting people hurt people.  Their actions speak for themselves.  I do not have to defend myself to them or the people that are hearing the lies.  When truth is truth, you don't need to defend yourself.   Why is it wrong to be defensive, to set someone straight when they've misjudged or even misspoken against you?  Because defensiveness is an ungodly characteristic.  Think about it.  Did Jesus rise up in indignation and defend His own character or life?  No.  Recall those excruciating hours He hung on the cross while men spat upon Him, jeered and mocked Him, tore His clothing and took it as souvenirs.  The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:23 that while Jesus was reviled, He did not revile in return.  Instead, He entrusted Himself to the One who would judge righteously.

Since I have started to be open to God and His plan for me, I see him convicting my heart so quickly.  I find myself not just asking for forgiveness to those I know I have hurt, but giving forgiveness to those, even when it is not asked.  God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my marriage, in my family, and in myself.  I have had to accept that it is naive of me to think now that God is being placed first in my life, that I will no longer suffer.  He wants me to bring my suffering to Him, and place my faith in Him, knowing that He will bring me out on the other side of peace.  I have had to accept that by submitting to His will, it will bring relationships and situations forward in my life that will be tested.  I truly and faithfully believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  He has a reason for everything.  I have already had to make some very hard decisions.  I have had to re-examine what is my responsibility and what is not my responsibility; what I will allow in my life and what I will not allow in my life.   I cannot put my faith in others - I need to my faith in Jesus Christ.  I cannot expect people to give me the respect and love I deserve and also expect it to be enough. God is more than enough.  I cannot put my pain and heartache onto others and expect them to want to protect me - I only have to bring it to God and know He will protect me.  In my experiences of hurt and pain, I am starting to choose to praise my amazing and merciful God because His love is unending, unfailing, and unchanging.  

No matter what I say and do based on God’s truth, love, and grace for me in spite of my imperfections, I have to admit myself at the end of the day: I cannot change anyone. I cannot save anyone. God can use me as a vessel for someone to come to Him through my own personal testimony, but I am powerless and in order for others’ to hear God’s truth they have to:

Believe + Receive = Become

Believe God’s truth, love, and grace for you in spite of your imperfections.
Receive God’s truth, love, and grace for you in spite of your imperfections.
Start to become who God’s want you to be through his truth, love, and grace for you in spite of your imperfections.

Prayer: Jesus, you are MY example for living graciously, victoriously and obediently, even when misunderstood or mistreated.  I want to live like You so that others are drawn to You.  So when I begin to feel mistreated or misunderstood, ganged up on or misrepresented, robbed or misheard, help me to listen to Your words of truth rather than my wounded feelings.  Help me to entrust myself -- my reputation, my rights, my heart, my future, my feelings -- to the One who sees all and knows all, and who will judge appropriately.  And help me to care more about my testimony for You than my emotions or my need to be right or even heard.  Help me resist the temptation to pick up my weapons and fight back, but to be gentle and patient and kind instead.  Amen!

Let It Go....Finally.

First, no I am not going to start by breaking out into Frozen songs....But I really do love that song!

I have had to finally realize something and accept this as truth - no matter HOW much you can love someone and want them to change, you cannot change them...and it's time to stop putting their happiness and sanity before your own. When I first started this blog, I had every intention to read a book my sister suggested to me: " Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life". I started the first couple of pages and then I stopped...but this past weekend, I decided I was really ready to open it up and learn. I found myself in struggling circumstances with people in my life and I think I was finally ready to be taught on what to do. I made the choice.

“Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job and what isn't.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

I've learned that where I am at in my life, others are not. I cannot change them. I can argue, I can cry, and force every single word that comes to mind upon that person to convince them to fix the situation, but it'll probably go through one ear and out the other. I can choose to become so frustrated with the situation because they are not changing. What I am not allowing is for them to eventually come to their breaking point and allow God to change them. We are all on our own individual path. You cannot reason with someone who is not at the same point in your path or even expect them to understand where you are at. Every time I tell someone "this is the last time" - it doesn't work. Why??? Probably because I obviously keep going back to that person because I think "This is it – I can FINALLY convince them to change. It'll work this time!" - AND that is a lie. AND the other person knows I will continue to come back, so my "threats" are empty. So then really, why do they need to change? I found myself in their whirlwind of chaos. I couldn't understand why nothing I was doing was working. I would find myself arguing with God: "Don't they see how wrong they are and how right I am? (Our family and friends seem to always make us feel holier right??? WRONG!) Why don't they just want better?" Then I found myself telling God (and myself): "Maybe they don't need to change. Maybe they don't want to change...because I have convinced them I will always continue to come back." In order for real change to happen, the other person needs to realize on their own when enough is enough. You cannot hold them to your standard of enough because we all have different breaking points.

What I have now realized is that they might think they do not need to change, and that's okay because that is their choice, but I realize I do need to change and that it is my choice. I need to change how I choose to act and react. I recently started Celebrate Recovery...which is something I was struggling to admit even writing this. But why should I feel ashamed??? Because it doesn't meet the world's standards??? There is only one being I am placed on this earth to serve and please and I am on HIS standards. I don't feel ashamed. I feel relieved. I feel liberated. I am finally facing and admitting my own faults I have made in my life and taking ownership over those areas of my life. I am finally coming to terms and trying to heal from all the hurts and hang-ups I have held onto for sooooooo long in my life caused by other people and myself. It's funny how admitting you are powerless over your own life gives you so much strength. I have realized I cannot change myself, and I need the help of others and Christ.

“People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

There are going to be people along my path that will not agree with me or understand what I am doing. If and when they are TRULY ready for their own truth, they will realize their reality has been altered for so long because they have chosen to believe and feel a certain way for so long in their life. I do believe this - people who say they are always happy do NOT like to confront the harder issues in life - their pain, fear, anger, resentment, shame, or guilt. They have programmed themselves to believe those issues don't exist in their life. That they are good people. If you confront them about something they did wrong, they turn it around about how you are making them feel bad. This is because they would rather not feel or truly be held accountable for their actions (and probably confront deeper issues) than to confront those hard issues and admit they are not flawless. They don't own their feelings or know how to express their feelings, but some people are not ready for the truth in their life. It takes a strong person to admit their weakness, and an even stronger person to admit their powerlessness over those weaknesses.

“Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge…Feelings come from the heart and can tell you the state of your relationship. But, the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

We make our own choices. We choose what to feel. We choose what to say. We choose what to do and what not to do. I am responsible for myself and you are responsible for you. If I get angry or sad...it because I chose to, and I need to figure out why I chose to. Was I truly in the wrong??? Maybe...If you are on a path to being a better and newer you, whether you are a believer in Christ or not, the hardest thing I have learned is that you will have to let some people go. Your change is not about their change, but simply about your change. I have found myself to be much happier when I have started to guard my heart and place boundaries with certain people. It is hard when this can be friends or family members, but it is necessary if they continue to get in the way of your change. All that you can continue to do for them is to pray for them. That is all you can do. No words or actions can make them change. When you finally accept that and let them go, and let God start controlling it and allow Him to change them, you will see miracles happen. Let you do the work and let God do the miracles.

Restoration Part One

Writing down my thoughts helps me work through issues that are very relevant in MY life.  I just want to disclaim that this is how I feel and what I am currently processing in MY own life and mind.  You do not have to agree with it.  

Open mind and open hearts.

We have recently started attending Woodlands Church Atascocita Campus - and we love it!  We have been praying that God would lead us to a church we could call ours and we truly have been confirmed Sunday after Sunday that this is our church!  Pastor Kerry started a new series called "Burning Bridges - Destroying Harmful Habit Patterns and Experiencing Real Change" and I knew God was calling out to me.  This particular message speaks to me so loudly because it is something that Carlos and I have been going through as a couple and particularly for myself, my entire life probably.  We have been seeking guidance and restoration from barriers and bridges - we have built barriers that are destructive hurts and habit patterns that are harmful to us and our relationships, when we really need to be building bridges that are life-giving habit patterns that bring healing and take us to our divine destiny.  

FYI - Everyone does this!  

Nobody is immune to this - If you have EVER found yourself trying to fix yourself on your own or someone else, or when someone asks you how you are doing and you respond with “good!”, although that’s far from the truth – this is definitely for you!

This is my story on this particular issue:

After Carlos and I started dating and even more once he became a Christian, I really felt very distant to God and his love for me.  I had experienced many things in my life that have caused me to have a very negative outlook on life.  I would find myself asking, "Restoration?  From what?  Nothing is wrong with me - it's everybody else and what they've done to me.  They are the ones who need to change.”  I had become such an angry and unhappy person. I felt the way I did and I wanted everyone else to know it – I wanted everyone else to feel it.  But then I would get even angrier at myself and at others because nothing was changing and I didn't understand why nothing was changing.

A couple of months ago, I was ready to give up on about everything in my life – my marriage, my family, Carlos’ family, work, school, and my friends.  Who would want to be around me when I was such a horrible person?  At the worse, I really was convinced that God had really given up on me and that while He is a loving God, for some reason He just did not love me. 

Surprisingly to some, I did not see the point in my own dreams and goals anymore.  I felt worthless.  I just wanted to quit.  I was tired from the hurt and pain in my life.  I was tired from all the time and effort wasted on thinking about all these problems in my life.  I was tired of trying to control so much in my life that I really had very little control over.  I felt like I had to be or at least appear perfect in every aspect of my life, and if I could not achieve that, I was a huge failure not only in my own eyes, but also in those around me and especially God.   

Every time someone hurt me, I placed another brick on my wall - it eventually had become so high that it got tiring.  I was co-dependent on other people providing my happiness and self-worth instead of placing it in God's hands. I had come to my breaking point and realized I needed help.

Carlos and I decided to go to church.  One Sunday, at the end of service, they had prayer leaders available for anyone who needed prayer over any matters in their life. I was thinking to myself, “Nope, not me.  I am not going up there.  Not in front of all these people.  What will these people think who don’t even know me?  God, if you think I need to go up there, then you better use Carlos as a vessel.”  Next thing I knew, Carlos grabbed my hand and whispered to me, “We need to go up there. We need prayer.  You need prayer.” (Thank God for a strong and believing husband...)

We walked up to a woman and and she started praying over us – and then she started crying.  Why would this woman cry for me when she didn't even know me?  She told us this particularly hit home for her because she had experienced the same things and just the fact I was so young having to experience this, she really felt for me.  She told us that she would continue to pray for us.  

KNOW THIS 

If change is what you really seek, God will bring the right people to you when you seek them out and are willing to listen.  If you find yourself in similar situations, I encourage you to find someone you can openly share with – We need God and others. 

Restoration Step #1

The first step towards healing and restoration is by making this proclamation:

"I humbly admit my powerlessness to change myself and control everything.  

In my brokenness I humbly admit my need for God and others. "

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and His rule” Matt. 5:3 (MSG)

If you say you want to change, but never take action, that may be because you are not willing to admit to your imperfections.  You are not willing to admit that you are in fact powerless over it and you are broken! Personally speaking, God had to break me, so that He could heal me.  I have learned so far that this entire time, I have been building barriers and destroying so many bridges because of pain, anger, and hurt I have been harboring inside for many years and trying to control on my own.  Even when faced with a barrier I wanted to break free from, I have realized that I was still trying to control it all, instead of giving it over to God for Him to break down and allowing Him to restore in me His grace.  

Even some bridges can be harmful - We as humans try to build a bridge of control through other people and situations. We try to control and subdue our pain instead of feeling our pain.  We tell ourselves and others more often that we are fine, when we know that is a lie.  We chose not to speak up to others we don't agree with for fear they will abandon us.  Or just because we are simply afraid - we find ourselves with no voice.  

One thing I have struggled with is my control over one-sided relationships.  What those are is I find myself putting all this energy, time, and effort into a relationship with certain family members or friends, but have shortly realized I am the one doing all the work.  The reason I struggle with this is because when I feel like I need to break it off from them because of the reality of the relationship, it makes me feel like a "bad Christian."  I am codependent on their relationship making me happy, when in reality it is making me far from it.  While bridging relationships with others can be a good thing, some of them can be harmful.  I am discovering that I need to walk away from them.   It does not make me a "bad Christian" - God doesn't call us to allow people to use/need us only when it is appropriate for them.  I tend to have a very merciful spirit towards people = translating to, I can sometimes be a people-pleaser.  Knowing that I am not expected to be perfect, I can finally allow myself to give that mercy over to God to allow Him to control that towards other people.  It is such a relief.  If that person does not understand why I am doing it, I do not need to explain myself.  That is for them to discover the answer to on their own, if they are willing to do so and the relationship matters to them as well. 

When we finally break our silence, this is a good thing because it allows us to bring it to God and we can eventually surrender it in order to have a deep and intimate relationship with Him. 

How:

1.     When we surrender and He gives us grace, He gives us the power to change ourselves - I repeat, CHANGE OURSELVES. (We cannot change others.)  

2.     He provides for us a grace net that will protect us should we ever fall.  

3.     His grace is able to keep us from falling by securing our relationship with God.  

4.     It is not a relationship based on performance or works.

When you accept and start to feel the grace and love that God has for you, you will truly know you are in that moment.  I have had to  re-learn to accept that Jesus does love me.  There is absolutely nothing I can do that will ever change that!  We spend most of our time trying to take control of situations and relationships in our life.  We've trusted and been burned, loved and been hurt, all the while depending on ourselves.  But, if we're to experience life and all it has to offer, maybe it's time to let go.  Control is a short film the explores the beauty in letting go and the freedom it brings. 

"God is working in you.  He wants your plans and your acts to be in keeping with His good purpose." Philippians 2:13 NIRV

Our Save-the-Dates and Engagement Pictures.

Let me start by saying how TRULY blessed we were with having amazing and talented photographers for our engagement and wedding.  The cost of a wedding is stressful as is and when we were looking up photographers, it blew our minds the costs some were charging.  Now, that is not to say that their time and art is not worth it, but when you are paying for the majority of your own wedding, it can be hard to swallow.  Just like everything else, we prayed on it and knew God would take care of it, no matter what the costs would be. 

First up - enter the talents of Ashley Eubanks.  She recently graduated from the Art Institute of Houston for photography.  Carlos has known since she used to go to shows dating back to his Yetis and FF5 days.  I met her at some point, although sadly I cannot remember when.  Regardless, she always has a smile on her face and is so much fun to be around.  She had posted how she wanted to take some engagement pictures for anyone for her portfolio for school.  She needed the pictures; so did we.  She takes some amazing photos (check her out here: http://ashleyeubanksphotography.com/blog/) Our Save-the-Dates turned out amazing and we received so many complements on them.  Thank you SOOOO much Ashley once again – you were a blessing in disguise!

So, back to our search for a wedding photographer.  We still were looking and looking.  I have family that are amazing - I mean AMAZING - photographers, but I wanted them to be able to enjoy the wedding and not work it.  That's for another post though...

I realized a friend of ours (enter Shane), who was recently married to Stephanie, was starting to shoot more and more weddings.  Carlos met Shane 6 years ago when they worked together and he has always been a joy to have in our company.  He is such a fun-loving and goofy guy, I just had the right feeling inside and we knew it was a perfect fit.  Him and his wife work together purely for their passion and love of photography - I think it is so cool to see a husband/wife duo share a mutual passion.

They went above and beyond for us from shooting our engagement party, to our engagement pictures, to the big day.  Point-in-case, we decided last minute...like A WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING...that we wanted a particular portrait taken to place at the reception.  We did some shots in Hermann Park the Sunday before our wedding, and he edited and delivered these amazing pictures by Wednesday.  It was so hard to choose just one picture, and I am still in shock that it is us!!  They are some of my all-time favorite pictures of us.  We cannot thank you two enough! Please check out Shane and Stephanie with Impact with Images Photography - http://www.iwiphotography.com - you will NOT regret it with these two!!!

I love having our pictures to look back on and see the happiness and love captured in each picture. I would say if you splurge on one thing, make sure it is a great photographer! Those are the moments that you can cherish forever once the wedding high is over!

Our Short and Condensed Story.

I know I mentioned my wedding briefly in my last post...I am indeed newly married.  My husband and I dated for 8 years until we decided to make the big commitment of marriage to one another.  It did not take us so long because we were hesitant. We knew we wanted to get married.  We also knew we needed God to grow us from the inside until we were ready to grow together. Let me tell you - there is not a better feeling in the world like when you get to marry your best friend and love of your life. 

So a little of our story - We met in the summer of 2005 after I graduated high school - Carlos played in a local Houston ska band and knew my brother from playing at the same shows.  I was in a very lost state like most at that age - I just graduated high school, ended a high school relationship, and enrolled for college at UTSA for fall.  I was NOT trying to make anything permanent.  I was just in Houston for the summer visiting and the plan was to go back to SA in August.  That was the plan.

Carlos contacted me first via MySpace (remember 2005 - Facebook was only for college students - shocking I know!).  I had been helping his band book a show in SA and that is how he found me.  It actually took me 2 weeks to respond back.  He, of course, responded back the same day, and it took me ANOTHER 2 weeks to respond to his second attempt.  I probably crushed all hope he had inside.  Anyways, after about 2 months of corresponding, we finally went on our first date. 

It was horrible. 

Were you expecting something different? 

He showed up to pick me up - He argues to this day that before I ever said "Hi" when opening the door, my first words to him were "Oh, you look nothing like your MySpace picture.”  There is probably some truth to that.  What he did not let me explain was that what I did see, I liked.  It was better than any picture.  

We went to dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant Mai's, where he hardly talked to me and then to a local show at Fitz'.  At some point throughout the night, we ran into two of my brother’s best friend – (coincidence or not?!).  While I was in the bathroom, they proceeded to tell Carlos not to date me because I was crazy – okay so that is only partially true, but he has learned to accept it.  Then, some girl who Carlos was friends with, interrupted our date and whisked Carlos away to watch some band play upstairs.  I was not going to chase after him.  I thought he had abandoned me, but he showed up not even 5 minutes later apologizing profusely.  I gave him the benefit of a doubt and accepted his apology.  

We ended our night with me introducing him to a Wendy’s frosty and French fries concoction.  He dropped me off at a reasonable time and he did not try to kiss me.  (I was horrified at first but realized it was worth it to wait in the end.)  He called me as soon as he left, and we talked on the phone ‘till about 5 am.  Okay, so maybe our first date was not so horrible after all...

Flash forward 3 months later – I am still living in Houston.  I did not attend UTSA like planned. Rita hits Texas and Carlos went to Mexico for about 2 weeks like majority of Houstonians.  Carlos asked me to be his girlfriend when he came back – time away makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Flash forward to today – I am still living in Houston.  I am attending the University of Houston.  I am married.  That is exactly where I should be.  Plans change.  My plan changed – the past 8 years were nothing I could have predicted or planned. As much as I plan the next 8 years of my life, maybe half of it will not happen.  That is okay.  However, no matter how much my plans changed and continue to change, my goals have always remained the same.  I am exactly where I want to be even if it went a little off the path or it took a little longer.  I plan to graduate college, start a family, buy a house, and take as many trips as I can with my husband, just to name a few. In what order and how long it will take,  I do not know - and that is okay!

I did not want someone just to love me – God had a better plan for me - I have unconditional love.  We have our share of ups and downs.  Life is not always roses and sweet gestures, but I am lucky to have someone by my side willing to adapt with me as we figure it out together.  I have someone who is willing to put up with the good and the bad. We laugh together (A LOT!) and we cry together - I love that my husband is not afraid to show any of his feelings.  It shows that he is human.  We finish each other’s sentences and we read each other's mind...that is actually more scary than normal at times.  We share each other’s passions and dreams, and we lift one another to reach them.  We want to become the best we can together and want to love as much as we can.  I know he will continue to bless those around him as he has blessed my life. I am lucky to have a man who has such a strong faith in God and is passionate about living up to that faith. 

So I leave you with this, whether you are have been married for years, recent newlyweds, engaged or not even thinking about marriage.  May this serve as a reminder or as a manifesto for the future. 

Growing Pains and Learning Boundaries....

This past year was a huge test for me, and I will admit it - I failed.  I do not know how many people actually admit that.  You always hear about success stories, especially once a year has ended and a new year is beginning, but never failures.  It is the elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is there.  Admitting failure is never an easy thing to do, especially for me.  I think some people have this idea of me that I am just such a strong-willed person, I could never admit to defeat.  I am not a perfect being or at least I hope I do not claim to be...I have made many mistakes and wrong turns in my life that I am not proud of but have all gotten me to the place I am at now.  This year was one of my best and one of the worst...how can that be true though??! Well, continue to read....

I can admit one of my problems - I want to love and please people...too much; to the point that when I do not get the same respect in return, it crushes my spirit.  Another one of my problems - when I was let down because said person did not end up meeting my level of love or care, it crushed me even more.  I am a giver.  I give to see people happy.  I give to see people smile.  I also give because I do not want people to think badly of me.  I did things to help people out because I thought I was being understanding of their situation.  I allowed people to not treat me the way I would want to be treated because I was scared of hurting their feelings by expressing how I felt.  When I eventually did express how I felt, it seemed to be turned against me, or a simple question of "well why now?”  I allowed people to let me down and disappoint me time after time, because I thought I was giving second chances (when in reality it was more like 20+ chances) expecting to have different results. 

What I was not doing was accepting two things...two VERY important things.  I know God kept telling me that I needed to realize these two things but I refused to listen: 
1) People are who they are. 

2) You cannot change them. 

I struggled with this with my mother, Carlos' mother, my sisters, my brother, Carlos' sister, old friends...I think maybe God was trying to tell me something.  (LOL)  No, but it was hard to listen because of my impending wedding and I just wanted everyone to be happy!  I eventually had to pause and ask myself a question though, "But wait...what about MY happiness?”  Unfortunately, I asked it way too late and I let it get the best of me on the day of my wedding.  Conflicts with family and wanting the support of family and friends was number one, when in reality, it was not number one...and it could never even be number two if people are not capable of giving that.  Do not get me wrong, the wedding was beautiful.  I married the love of my life.  We stood before God and gave our vows as husband and wife.  He looked so handsome and I cleaned up nicely myself.  The ceremony was perfect from beginning to end and THAT is all that matters.  THAT was number one.  Not the flowers, not the table chart, not the direction of the linens, not the disappointment of family on both sides.  It was my biggest joy (and highlight of my year - told you this was my best year to date) to walk down that aisle to see who was at the end waiting for me.  And while we had our first dance, I whispered to Carlos - "THIS is what I want to remember.  The moments where it is just the two of us and nothing else matters.”  I really did marry an amazing man who has been nothing but supportive and has stood by my side no matter how crazy I can get.

I have dealt with quite a lot in my lifetime already, and I can finally admit that I am done with all the pain and hurt I have allowed to rule the past 26 years of my life because I thought I could help people or change them.  I am a broken person and I can joyfully admit that.  People are who they are and you cannot change them.  Only God can change them and they must be open to Him doing so in their life.  Sometimes what you think is not good enough in return, is all that person is capable of giving or feeling because God still has work to do in their life and it is a longer journey for them to get to maybe even close to where you are.  I am still learning and trying to accept that I cannot help people if they do not want my help.  I remember the analogy my youth pastor used to give with two people and a chair.  Imagine you are standing on a chair, while the other person is standing on the floor below you.  It is hard and takes some strength to pull that person up, but it is so easy and almost effortless for them to pull you down.  You are both on different paths in your life and are not on the same level so how can you expect the same results?  I have been allowing people to pull me down, expecting them to pull me up when they are not capable of doing that.  

Maybe they do not know any better - maybe what they are giving is the best they can do.  The hard part is asking yourself "How do I continue to love that person but not get hurt by their words/actions or lack of?”  All I can say for now is to let it go...let them go.  It is hard to let someone go, especially when you love them so much.  You do not want to see them fall, you do not want to see them hurt, but you also cannot allow putting their happiness first before your own healthiness. 

I need to also accept some truth: If people want you in their life, they make time for you in their life.  Sadly, this goes for both family and friends.  We sadly live in such a technology-crazed world, that it is almost shocking if someone is not attached to their mobile device.  People will reach out to you if they want to whether it is in the form of a phone call, text, email, or FB message.  I am learning that I cannot be the only one trying to grow ANY relationship in my life - it has to be a two-way street that both parties agree to.  Instead of focusing so much on the people not putting in the same effort, I need to put that effort into the people who want to be involved in my life.  

I am trying to work on forgiving the people who have caused me pain, anger, and sadness.  It is not an easy task - but I cannot hold onto those feeling and allow it to define me as a person.  It has been eating away at my heart and making me into a very bitter and unhappy person.  Not all the time, but some of the time...and if I allow it to continue and do not let go of it, I am afraid of what I will eventually become.

I realize I have to put up boundaries.  I MUST put up boundaries.  Not because I do not love them...I do love them.  In fact, more than they probably realize.  However, I love me more (so cliché.)  I have tried so many different ways to avoid boundaries because I thought it would not be best for me since it would not be best for some of the people in my life.  I know that I have to put distance between them and myself.  I have to trust in God that all I can do is pray for them.  Pray that God would be the one to open their eyes, their minds, and their hearts and allow Him to start working in their lives as well as my own.  I am going to start reading a book that I know God wants me to read right now because it has come up in conversations with family and complete strangers.  It is called " Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud.  I am excited and I hope to share some of my journey on here as I read it with whoever is reading this.