So...nothing is ever perfect...

::GASP:: Yes it's true! 

Now...please, do not get me wrong - I constantly hear from family and friends who attended our wedding that it was one of the most beautiful, elegant, and fun weddings!  I don't doubt this for a second and it makes me happy to hear!  We were also extremely blessed in how God provided us with amazing connections and people in our lives who helped make it that. 

The sad truth is, internally - and I feel this is something that so many of us experience yet we keep it shut inside - I was so stressed about it all and I felt so alone.  I was so focused on having the perfect wedding and that NOTHING would or could go wrong.  (HAHA - Yes I can laugh at that thought now!)  I was putting so much trust and expectations onto certain people around me, that I set my self up for MAJOR disappointment.

I am that person that when I start to reflect on the past, I tend to notice only the regrets and the things I cannot change, never realizing that I couldn't have changed it then either.  Why?  Because you cannot change people. I am not God. 

I felt like I was completely alone in my feelings and thoughts, as if I was the only one ever to experience what I had gone through.  In an even more honest and vulnerable statement, the heartache and fallout that came before and after our wedding caused a deep depression in me. It was not pretty at all, and it something I have struggled with since.  You know those thoughts that so easily creep in - we all get them - "Will I ever be good enough?  Will I ever be appreciated and accepted by certain people?"  I find myself more worried of validation from people who are in no place themselves to be giving me validation/judgement; and less worried of where true validation, worth, satisfaction, and truth comes from. I need to turn my eyes and heart towards Him. Only He can satisfy.

Validation from others can be a wonderful, beautiful thing.

But if our need for it makes us develop unrealistic expectations, we'll exhaust our relationships.

There are some deep soul needs that can only be met by God alone. ut I have learned through some pretty amazing people around me now, that I am not alone.  And I can move forward from those feelings that have made me feel stuck. 

My biggest and only true regret = planning a wedding basically for everyone else.  We did not put the focus on Carlos and I, and we did not place God in the center of us.  We went out of our way to make sure everyone else had what they needed, that they were happy, and in turn, hardly anyone asked us if we had what WE needed and to make sure we were happy.  That's who we are - we love to serve others and be there for others as much as we can - the hard truth is we live in a broken world and sometimes those closest to us don't hold the same values and characteristics as us. We wish we could have focused on what mattered the most by staying true to who we are and establishing certain boundaries!  But this saying is true and resonates with me daily...

What My Wedding Day DID Teach Me: 

1. We married each other - and made the covenant on that day before God that we would center ourselves in Christ. We committed to one another that Christ is first in both our hearts and daily lives, and through us, He will bless our marriage and the life we are building together. We committed to each other being second after Christ, but number 1 before anyone or anything else. He is my soulmate - he is my family.  The issues that other people in our lives have are not our problems to fix and fret over.  We CANNOT let others steal our joy or to come between the two of us. 

1. When all seems lost, the man I married has always been there for me when I need him.  Isn't it amazing to think how God uniquely created someone for you?  He IS my person, my best friend, my confidant, the love of my life, and I find so much of my comfort and peace in him!  We are not perfect at all - but God brought two imperfect people together for His perfect plan - we refuse to give up on one another and we have learned what true forgiveness, grace, and unconditional love is.  We may not always do it right or get it right the first time around, but we have THE master-planner guiding us along the way when we get off track.  

1. And ultimately, I learned that I want our marriage to continue to celebrate our love.  I want a marriage so much bigger than my wedding day.  I have been guilty of throwing it out there that my wedding was not the "best day of my life" - was it?  No, it wasn't!  BUT, I have however started to realize that it wasn't meant to be THE best day!  It was just another day in our lives, because one day doesn't determine our happiness.  One day doesn't determine the past success of our relationship or the future success of our marriage.
   

There are going to be many more monumental times of celebration in our life together that include what is the most important to us - each other, family, and personal successes/blessings!  Maybe one day, we'll decide to do a vow renewal that is centered around us and the foundation we build our marriage on - God.  But for now, it is time to let go of the wedding day and start embracing our marriage!

Whoever is reading this, I encourage you to find hope and peace in  either the same situation, or in any situation where satisfaction may not happen or you may find yourself disappointed in yourself or those around you.  The bad news - it will happen.  It is part of the human struggle called life.  But the amazing news?  We don't have to lose hope.  We don't have to  accept defeat.  We don't have to hide in our shame.  Do what I had to do - talk to someone you can trust, and in your quiet/alone time, make a list of what went wrong and what went right.  You will be amazed like I was to examine that the things that went wrong, were not your fault nor did they reflect you as a person.  It gave me insight to what it reflected in those around me and that those are their issues to work on.  We all have enough of those, that we don't need to taking on others too. lol. But seriously, it helps - and continue to put your focus into what matters now - if you have a growing current relationship with Christ or you're still discovering what that is or what that looks like and on your marriage and family/friends that support and encourage you. 

"Love others to the deepest of levels - if not, you are missing out on what matters most."