First, no I am not going to start by breaking out into Frozen songs....But I really do love that song!

I have had to finally realize something and accept this as truth - no matter HOW much you can love someone and want them to change, you cannot change them...and it's time to stop putting their happiness and sanity before your own. When I first started this blog, I had every intention to read a book my sister suggested to me: " Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life". I started the first couple of pages and then I stopped...but this past weekend, I decided I was really ready to open it up and learn. I found myself in struggling circumstances with people in my life and I think I was finally ready to be taught on what to do. I made the choice.

“Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job and what isn't.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

I've learned that where I am at in my life, others are not. I cannot change them. I can argue, I can cry, and force every single word that comes to mind upon that person to convince them to fix the situation, but it'll probably go through one ear and out the other. I can choose to become so frustrated with the situation because they are not changing. What I am not allowing is for them to eventually come to their breaking point and allow God to change them. We are all on our own individual path. You cannot reason with someone who is not at the same point in your path or even expect them to understand where you are at. Every time I tell someone "this is the last time" - it doesn't work. Why??? Probably because I obviously keep going back to that person because I think "This is it – I can FINALLY convince them to change. It'll work this time!" - AND that is a lie. AND the other person knows I will continue to come back, so my "threats" are empty. So then really, why do they need to change? I found myself in their whirlwind of chaos. I couldn't understand why nothing I was doing was working. I would find myself arguing with God: "Don't they see how wrong they are and how right I am? (Our family and friends seem to always make us feel holier right??? WRONG!) Why don't they just want better?" Then I found myself telling God (and myself): "Maybe they don't need to change. Maybe they don't want to change...because I have convinced them I will always continue to come back." In order for real change to happen, the other person needs to realize on their own when enough is enough. You cannot hold them to your standard of enough because we all have different breaking points.

What I have now realized is that they might think they do not need to change, and that's okay because that is their choice, but I realize I do need to change and that it is my choice. I need to change how I choose to act and react. I recently started Celebrate Recovery...which is something I was struggling to admit even writing this. But why should I feel ashamed??? Because it doesn't meet the world's standards??? There is only one being I am placed on this earth to serve and please and I am on HIS standards. I don't feel ashamed. I feel relieved. I feel liberated. I am finally facing and admitting my own faults I have made in my life and taking ownership over those areas of my life. I am finally coming to terms and trying to heal from all the hurts and hang-ups I have held onto for sooooooo long in my life caused by other people and myself. It's funny how admitting you are powerless over your own life gives you so much strength. I have realized I cannot change myself, and I need the help of others and Christ.

“People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

There are going to be people along my path that will not agree with me or understand what I am doing. If and when they are TRULY ready for their own truth, they will realize their reality has been altered for so long because they have chosen to believe and feel a certain way for so long in their life. I do believe this - people who say they are always happy do NOT like to confront the harder issues in life - their pain, fear, anger, resentment, shame, or guilt. They have programmed themselves to believe those issues don't exist in their life. That they are good people. If you confront them about something they did wrong, they turn it around about how you are making them feel bad. This is because they would rather not feel or truly be held accountable for their actions (and probably confront deeper issues) than to confront those hard issues and admit they are not flawless. They don't own their feelings or know how to express their feelings, but some people are not ready for the truth in their life. It takes a strong person to admit their weakness, and an even stronger person to admit their powerlessness over those weaknesses.

“Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge…Feelings come from the heart and can tell you the state of your relationship. But, the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.” Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (Boundaries)

We make our own choices. We choose what to feel. We choose what to say. We choose what to do and what not to do. I am responsible for myself and you are responsible for you. If I get angry or sad...it because I chose to, and I need to figure out why I chose to. Was I truly in the wrong??? Maybe...If you are on a path to being a better and newer you, whether you are a believer in Christ or not, the hardest thing I have learned is that you will have to let some people go. Your change is not about their change, but simply about your change. I have found myself to be much happier when I have started to guard my heart and place boundaries with certain people. It is hard when this can be friends or family members, but it is necessary if they continue to get in the way of your change. All that you can continue to do for them is to pray for them. That is all you can do. No words or actions can make them change. When you finally accept that and let them go, and let God start controlling it and allow Him to change them, you will see miracles happen. Let you do the work and let God do the miracles.

Restoration Part One

Writing down my thoughts helps me work through issues that are very relevant in MY life.  I just want to disclaim that this is how I feel and what I am currently processing in MY own life and mind.  You do not have to agree with it.  

Open mind and open hearts.

We have recently started attending Woodlands Church Atascocita Campus - and we love it!  We have been praying that God would lead us to a church we could call ours and we truly have been confirmed Sunday after Sunday that this is our church!  Pastor Kerry started a new series called "Burning Bridges - Destroying Harmful Habit Patterns and Experiencing Real Change" and I knew God was calling out to me.  This particular message speaks to me so loudly because it is something that Carlos and I have been going through as a couple and particularly for myself, my entire life probably.  We have been seeking guidance and restoration from barriers and bridges - we have built barriers that are destructive hurts and habit patterns that are harmful to us and our relationships, when we really need to be building bridges that are life-giving habit patterns that bring healing and take us to our divine destiny.  

FYI - Everyone does this!  

Nobody is immune to this - If you have EVER found yourself trying to fix yourself on your own or someone else, or when someone asks you how you are doing and you respond with “good!”, although that’s far from the truth – this is definitely for you!

This is my story on this particular issue:

After Carlos and I started dating and even more once he became a Christian, I really felt very distant to God and his love for me.  I had experienced many things in my life that have caused me to have a very negative outlook on life.  I would find myself asking, "Restoration?  From what?  Nothing is wrong with me - it's everybody else and what they've done to me.  They are the ones who need to change.”  I had become such an angry and unhappy person. I felt the way I did and I wanted everyone else to know it – I wanted everyone else to feel it.  But then I would get even angrier at myself and at others because nothing was changing and I didn't understand why nothing was changing.

A couple of months ago, I was ready to give up on about everything in my life – my marriage, my family, Carlos’ family, work, school, and my friends.  Who would want to be around me when I was such a horrible person?  At the worse, I really was convinced that God had really given up on me and that while He is a loving God, for some reason He just did not love me. 

Surprisingly to some, I did not see the point in my own dreams and goals anymore.  I felt worthless.  I just wanted to quit.  I was tired from the hurt and pain in my life.  I was tired from all the time and effort wasted on thinking about all these problems in my life.  I was tired of trying to control so much in my life that I really had very little control over.  I felt like I had to be or at least appear perfect in every aspect of my life, and if I could not achieve that, I was a huge failure not only in my own eyes, but also in those around me and especially God.   

Every time someone hurt me, I placed another brick on my wall - it eventually had become so high that it got tiring.  I was co-dependent on other people providing my happiness and self-worth instead of placing it in God's hands. I had come to my breaking point and realized I needed help.

Carlos and I decided to go to church.  One Sunday, at the end of service, they had prayer leaders available for anyone who needed prayer over any matters in their life. I was thinking to myself, “Nope, not me.  I am not going up there.  Not in front of all these people.  What will these people think who don’t even know me?  God, if you think I need to go up there, then you better use Carlos as a vessel.”  Next thing I knew, Carlos grabbed my hand and whispered to me, “We need to go up there. We need prayer.  You need prayer.” (Thank God for a strong and believing husband...)

We walked up to a woman and and she started praying over us – and then she started crying.  Why would this woman cry for me when she didn't even know me?  She told us this particularly hit home for her because she had experienced the same things and just the fact I was so young having to experience this, she really felt for me.  She told us that she would continue to pray for us.  

KNOW THIS 

If change is what you really seek, God will bring the right people to you when you seek them out and are willing to listen.  If you find yourself in similar situations, I encourage you to find someone you can openly share with – We need God and others. 

Restoration Step #1

The first step towards healing and restoration is by making this proclamation:

"I humbly admit my powerlessness to change myself and control everything.  

In my brokenness I humbly admit my need for God and others. "

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope.  With less of you there is more of God and His rule” Matt. 5:3 (MSG)

If you say you want to change, but never take action, that may be because you are not willing to admit to your imperfections.  You are not willing to admit that you are in fact powerless over it and you are broken! Personally speaking, God had to break me, so that He could heal me.  I have learned so far that this entire time, I have been building barriers and destroying so many bridges because of pain, anger, and hurt I have been harboring inside for many years and trying to control on my own.  Even when faced with a barrier I wanted to break free from, I have realized that I was still trying to control it all, instead of giving it over to God for Him to break down and allowing Him to restore in me His grace.  

Even some bridges can be harmful - We as humans try to build a bridge of control through other people and situations. We try to control and subdue our pain instead of feeling our pain.  We tell ourselves and others more often that we are fine, when we know that is a lie.  We chose not to speak up to others we don't agree with for fear they will abandon us.  Or just because we are simply afraid - we find ourselves with no voice.  

One thing I have struggled with is my control over one-sided relationships.  What those are is I find myself putting all this energy, time, and effort into a relationship with certain family members or friends, but have shortly realized I am the one doing all the work.  The reason I struggle with this is because when I feel like I need to break it off from them because of the reality of the relationship, it makes me feel like a "bad Christian."  I am codependent on their relationship making me happy, when in reality it is making me far from it.  While bridging relationships with others can be a good thing, some of them can be harmful.  I am discovering that I need to walk away from them.   It does not make me a "bad Christian" - God doesn't call us to allow people to use/need us only when it is appropriate for them.  I tend to have a very merciful spirit towards people = translating to, I can sometimes be a people-pleaser.  Knowing that I am not expected to be perfect, I can finally allow myself to give that mercy over to God to allow Him to control that towards other people.  It is such a relief.  If that person does not understand why I am doing it, I do not need to explain myself.  That is for them to discover the answer to on their own, if they are willing to do so and the relationship matters to them as well. 

When we finally break our silence, this is a good thing because it allows us to bring it to God and we can eventually surrender it in order to have a deep and intimate relationship with Him. 

How:

1.     When we surrender and He gives us grace, He gives us the power to change ourselves - I repeat, CHANGE OURSELVES. (We cannot change others.)  

2.     He provides for us a grace net that will protect us should we ever fall.  

3.     His grace is able to keep us from falling by securing our relationship with God.  

4.     It is not a relationship based on performance or works.

When you accept and start to feel the grace and love that God has for you, you will truly know you are in that moment.  I have had to  re-learn to accept that Jesus does love me.  There is absolutely nothing I can do that will ever change that!  We spend most of our time trying to take control of situations and relationships in our life.  We've trusted and been burned, loved and been hurt, all the while depending on ourselves.  But, if we're to experience life and all it has to offer, maybe it's time to let go.  Control is a short film the explores the beauty in letting go and the freedom it brings. 

"God is working in you.  He wants your plans and your acts to be in keeping with His good purpose." Philippians 2:13 NIRV